How Do You Deal With Losing Someone You Love?

I have been watching this TV Series called, "One Tree Hill." Yes, you can call me the out-of-date-dude, because this TV series has been already airing a couple of years ago. I've heard about this when I was in high school, but I chose not to watch it, neither have I at least, paid attention to it, because everyone says that it's one of the TV Drama-part categories. Back then, those weren't just my type.

Well, to make my nonsense explanation short, I finally decided to download the first season in my laptop just this past three weeks and watch. Believe it or not, after those three, academic weeks, I am now on Season 3.

There was one line on the script that Mouth, one of the casts, said that made me stare blank on my laptop screen for minutes. Mouth asked coach Whitey, "How do you deal with losing someone you love?"

I asked myself that question after hearing Mouth say it. How should I deal with my world by the time I lose someone I love? OR, I wonder how I have dealt with it in the past?

Just so you know, this lost, loved one thingie is not family-related. LOL.

As the episode ended with the credits rolling on, bla bla, I  stared at the ceiling, trying to rewind-and-replay the past-- thinking about the bad (well, fine: and good) memories that I have made with the person I HAVE lovED the most back then. I have also thought about how terrible the times were when I was in the stage of actually losing her, having that mere thought that she's now out of my life. She's not dead, of course, or anything. She's just gone. Lost, as they say.

Some people say that whenver they had to deal with times like this, they would just simply cry it out to their friends for a little while, and let em go.  My other friends say that a shot or two, from the Gin or Whisky bottle always serves as the trick. Some say, they would slit their wrists, or do drugs. Some say that they'd go really crazy, as in, becoming mentally ill, and that death would be the only door out. Others say that it's gonna be the combination of everything written above.

Well, I might say that I haven't exactly done any of those things. I think. But back then, (well, just this summer, lol)  there came a time when I experienced drinking five 500mg Tylenol tablets when depression came over me. The doctor usually advises me to drink only half a tablet (250mg) whenever I get headaches and/or body aches.They were actually pain killers, not 'hurt' killers. I thought that it should do the trick. HAHA. I didn't actually intend to kill myself, (honestly, I was scared, but I didnt care anyway) but at that time, I was just hoping to feel, numb at least, from the hurts in my world and the world around me. Literally. Or I was hoping that I'd rather become unconscious, or in a coma after drinking the meds. After that, everything would be dramatically tragic.

At that time, I was out of school, I had no REAL friends around, I felt far away, homesick, rather, from the church and my authentic family, I felt far from God, I had family problems, no. parents-and-son problems, I had the negative-type of anxiety of not getting back into college, and a lot of other shallow quandries that continued to pop out.

It was also the time when I lost that someone I loved.

(kunwari dramatic na daw. HAHA. plays dramatic music... O_O )

You may laugh at me right now, because nothing happened after I drank those pain killers. I waited and waited. The next day, I drank another five. But still, nothing happened.
 It was a trying-to-be-an-emo-person-FAIL. I figured that 5 tablets havent been strong enough to alter anything that worked in my body. (well, not that I know of...)
Then I figured that even if I drank another five tablets--plus five, the anxiety, pain, depression, or whatever you call it, is still there.

I'll just have to deal with it. again.

but, how?

 now, this is the part where I type the words, "I gave everything to God."

And when I say, "everything," I really mean the whole thing. Sometimes, all you have to do is surrender everything to God, which includes your hurts and pains, the joys and the happiness, the drama, and the trauma. naks.

And with it, what you need is faith and trust. Then let God do the comforting and the work.


Who says He'll leave you?

Yes, you may lose someone who you really love in this world, but I assure you that you'll never lose the One Who loves you from the very start, even if it seems that you were the one who got lost from Him.

Ikaw, How do you deal with losing the person you love? :)

"Silence. Then Blood"

Yes, i know that it's been a long time after I last wrote in this blog. Well, I have been really busy lately, as in, really busy, from the enrollment to the add mats and from One Tree Hill to all the other random stuff. HAHA.( this is weird.) anyway, I don't have a stable, internet connection here in my room, that's why I got lazy when it came to blogging. HAHA. sorry for the silence. I shall try to explain about this sooner or later, by the time I get Mr. Motivation and Inspiration back to work. Anyway, something exciting (well, not that exciting. :c ) happened today.
I was able to donate blood again. >:D
after three months, three LOOOONG months, I was able to donate blood. AGAIN. woah. that was redundant. haha. well, i just feel so good when I think about donating blood. it's probably of the mere thought of you being able to help people. naks! twenty minutes after donating, I went to class, then to church--leading the 6pm youth service. :))
after the service, we went to KFC for dinner with my friends. <---(is this even relevant info? whaat?) well, it has been a great night. Sigh.

to do tomorrow: get through PE2--Body building and Weight Lifting. HAHA. lalaki kaya talaga katawan ko nito? I wonder.... 

"Sweat, Tears, and Love" -a short story

“Sweat, Tears, and Love”

by Welman Daryll Mutya

It has been a long, tiresome day at school. The periodical tests surely drained the brains out of me. Well, at least it's over now, and I was thinking about sleeping earlier tonight, to regain the sweet, precious hours of sleep I lost just so that I could review for my exams. There are no readings to read, or lessons to study for tonight, that's why I was thinking of helping Mama bag the vegetables when I get home, so that she could sell them at the market tomorrow.  But as of now, my main concern is to be able to ride a bus, or a jeepney, at least, that would take me home.

Mama might be worrying about me right now, why I was out late again. Because of the interminable, Manila traffic, I always get home at around 6:00 in the evening. That's an hour after our dismissal. And for her, that's really late.

She really worries about me, a lot. I always reminded her that I am already sixteen, and that I am a big boy who can manage himself home. But she always tells me how dear I am to her, and that I am far too precious for her to lose. After what happened to Papa and Kuya, she told me that she never wanted to lose anyone in her life again. Papa and kuya Pako, along with seven other passengers have been tragically killed in a jeepney accident when I was twelve. Now, Mama only has me and I only have her. Iwanted to make her happy despite of the sorrow our facticity has given us. Even though we were poor, I promised Mama that I shall study hard, graduate myself from college, earn a great job, and buy her a big house, so that we wouldn't live our whole lives in the squatters anymore. The barangay tanod warned us that they would get our house demolished soon. The mere thought of this always kept Mama from being happy. We didn't know where else to live.

Okay, enough of the daydreaming. Here comes my ride.

I stretched my arms and feet as I got down from the jeepney. I think I even strained my neck after falling into a deep sleep during the ride. I told you, Manila traffic is Manila traffic. It gives enough time for travelers to have "power naps", as my friends at school call it, despite of the blistering heat of the afternoon sun.

"Tao po, Mama?", I said as I knocked at the door. "Tao po."

I knocked again, but there was no answer. I was sure that Mama's inside the house because the pad lock kept the door shut from the inside.

"Ma, pakibukas po yaong pinto. Yaong anak mo po ito."

I sighed. Mama still didn't answer. I walked around our house to check the small, square window that served to be our house's only source of ventilation.

"She might've been sleeping again," I thought. She always tells me how she easily gets so tired and dizzy, and since the past year, she's been complaining about having these headaches. I was guessing that that was probably because of her job, and because of the unbearable heat of the day. My Mama works as a vendor selling vegetables in the market every day, just so we can get our ever-hungry stomachs fed, and get myself to school. Papa always used to be with her every single day when he was still alive, helping Mama carry the big, heavy sacks of carrots and cabbages to and from the market. Never in my whole life have I seen them neither discontent nor ashamed of their job. Now, Mama's left behind, and I only had the time to help her during the weekends and after I get home from school. It's a tiresome job, and I couldn't blame her for having those headaches.

I tried to peek through the window. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I saw Mama lying on the floor, unconscious. The window was too small for me, so I couldn't get myself in.

I started to panic. It seemed that all of a sudden, the clock started to tick as if it was the last five seconds of a basketball game, or like the sound of your teacher's voice asking you to pass your papers every exam. I suddenly felt this pressure; I was running out of time.

 Tears started to gush down my cheeks as I hurried to the door. I banged it repeatedly with my hands, but I didn't seem to work.

Then I started kicking. I felt the adrenalin rush through my nerves, which eventually caused me to kick harder. Then the door flung open. I couldn't believe it, it was a miracle. I rushed inside the house, kneeling beside my unconscious mother lying on the floor.

More tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Mama, mama, gumising ka na po...sige na, ma. Please..." I said as I placed her neck on my left arm, lightly slapping her cheeks, hoping that she would wake up."Saklolo!" I cried, "Saklolo! Tulungan niyo po kami!"

No one seemed to hear me. Or maybe they just didn't care to listen. I knew I was still running out of time.

With nothing else to do, I immediately lifted her neck with my left arm and both her legs with my right. I carried her as I rushed outside the house in attempt to bring her to a small, public hospital about two blocks away from our house. "Saklolo!" I grieved. The people in the sidewalks stared at me as I walked through. They just stood there, looking as if they were entertained with what is happening. It was a hot evening and I was covered with sweat, my face with tears, and I couldn't help but to continue walking.

We finally reached the hospital. Exhaustion overcame my arms and legs.The nurses immediately attended to Mama and laid her on those typical, hospital beds, bringing her to the emergency room. I was told to wait outside in the halls. They did lots of stuff to her, and there were nurses coming in and out of the room.

I waited out there, helpless.

It has been seven hours now, after we got to the hospital. I was sitting on the floor just outside the room, and I couldn't stop thinking about Mama. I thought how important she is to me. Then flashbacks played on my head. I remember Mama taking care of me every time I got sick, and that she even used to buy me Sprite or Royal, and cooked lugaw so I would feel better. I remember how she used to put kuya Pako and I to sleep when we were little, by telling us the story of Jack and the Beanstalk every single night. I remember how she listens to me when I talked about school, how she always encouraged me to study hard, and how she always reminded me that I should choose my friends wisely. I remember the times we've spent bagging and segregating the vegetables every night so that she'd be all set for the next day. I remember her saying, "Mahal kita, anak. Mag-ingat ka." everytime I leave for school.

Then, I imagined my world without her. I would be lonely, not knowing what to do. I couldn't think of living in this world alone. I needed a mother. That's all I wanted for now. I wished that I was the one lying in that bed, and not her. I couldn't lose her.

More tears started to fall. I wiped my cheeks with my hands.

"Uh, ikaw ba si Niko Tanglao?" said the man as he stood near me.  I assumed he was the doctor. 

"Opo. Ako po yaon," I said.

"Gusto ka niyang makita."

"Kamusta na po siya, dok?"

"Ang mama mo ay kasalukuyang may sakit na Alteriovenous Malformation, o AVM kung tawagin. Ito'y isang uri ng sakit sa utak. Naku, dapat pina-checkup niyo na siya dati rati pa. Ngayon malala na yaong sakit, at masyadong fatal yung seizure na nangyari sa mama mo kanina. Sana kayanin niya pa yaong gabing ito. Wala na kaming magagawa kundi operahan siya. Ngayon, kung meron kayong pera..."

"Pwede ko po ba siyang makita?"

The doctor stopped talking and lifted his arm to the way in.

I immediately rushed inside. She was lying there, with tubes pierced into both her hands and arms. I saw the ECG just right beside her bed, beeping a slow-paced rhythm. I sat down beside her bed, held her hand beside my cheeks.

"Mama," I cried, "Magpagaling na po kayo...ayoko pong maiwan mag-isa." She heard my crying.

"Anak," she said, stuttering,  "Mag-aral kang mabuti ha...l..la...lagi mong tandaan n...na mahal na mahal kita. Mukhang hindi ko na kaya, anak. P...paagpasensyahan mo na ang nanay mo, t...tuma...tanda na."

I leaned onto her shoulder, wrapping her with my arm just like a child.

"Mama naman o... 'wag mo naman po sabihin yan...hindi ko kaya pag mawawala ka."

"Kaya mo yan, anak." she struggled, then she tenderly placed her arm on me, with the feeling of sweetness and love. It was just like how she does it when she says’s "Okay lang yan," or "Tulog na, anak." Then she continued, "Alam k...kong m...malakas ka. Mag...magpakabuti ka palagi, ha?

Huwag mong k...kakalimutan y...yung pangako mo saakin na bahay. Ha ha. M...maliit ka pa noon." 

She smiled, closing her eyes.

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, anak."

Then, the ECG beeped flat. ▪

KPOP? No thanks. :)

Kpop is baduy. funny.

My friend Jacob and I were talking about Kpop just the other day, while we were waiting for Fred to finish practicing his piano piece thingie. Jacob told me how much he liked Kpop, and how it entertains him whenever he listens to it. So that we wouldn't lose a conversation, I responded how much I hated it, and so on and so forth. I don't really spend time on listening to Kpop,. Jpop, not even to  Ppop, (I can't believe there's such a thing.) , or to any kind of  pops that are possibly existing in this planet. Probably it's because of the techno theme it always possesses. That's just not my thing.  I always use the term jologs to define it, and whenever I hear Kpop music from the malls and other public places, I usually start to have a bad day. I'd rather listen to my sister singing in the bathroom than listen to such songs. Uh. wait. no, I take that back.

Because I barely did anything today, and that because I had these, must-not-get-bored impulses in me, I decided to give Kpop the benefit of the doubt. I thought that Kpop might not be so bad after all. So I searched through YouTube and found this video.

I WAS WRONG.

KPOP was uniquely entertaining after all.

Let's laugh our lungs out. <---- ano daw? FAIL.

XD

Enrollment FAIL, Travel FAIL, Embarrassment WIN.

it was around 1:00am when I got home from a supposedly 8-hour trip from Baguio. i started writing this in my room at 2 am.

I know what happened yesterday was a very very dumb. well it was an honest but yet a really stupid mistake.

I actually thought that my enrollment for this school year's second semester was at that day, November 3. i even woke up early yesterday just to get the enrollment process done and over with asap, so that i could then go down to my mom's province, Tarlac, and have my Non-professional driver's license. As I got to school, i noticed the looooong line of freshmen and senior students of the College of Arts and Communication which started from the classroom just beside the College Office. that classroom was the place where we could get our 'True Copy of Grades' or TCGs from the past semester/s. That is where we also get our Form 5s--the from where our subjects are enlisted at. (i hope i described it right. :C ) After getting these documents, Enrollment process-step 1 is done.

So, I waited patiently at the end of the liiiiiine for my TCG and Form 5. I thought that it would take hours for me before i could get through this step. I sighed and out of boredom, stared at those different sorts of people and their variously themed outfits.

I saw Gabe, my follow-up, a freshman, and also a Language and Literature major pass by through me. As i called his attention, he immediately came near me, with a facial expression that rather seemed confused.

He asked me if this line was the line for the TCGs and Form 5s. I told him that he was on the right line. So we stood there, waiting patiently for the line that rather looked like as if it never moved a single inch. We started chatting, to break the awkward silence. We talked about the art works of the Fine Arts majors which dangled on the undercap of the CAC roof. we talked about how we were bums during the semestral break, how troubled Gabe's church's situation was, how we enjoyed our courses, and how cool professors in the University have been during the last semester.

The chatting cost us a lot of time, little did we know that we were the next ones in line. We got closer and closer by the minute. Meanwhile, there was this lady who came out of nowhere, called all the senior students to come up in front of the line. she said that the seniors are the first priorities. All the seniors in the line came forward. Thus, pushing us in the back of the line. The girl asked if there were any seniors or students from the higher years who hadn't come forward yet. Everybody just stared at her as if they wanted to eat her, or swallow her whole, or perhaps add her hannging with the dangling shimmering art works of the fine arts students.

I realized that i was ideally an upper year student. humbly speaking, i'm a freshman with a second-year/sophomore standing in the University. yes, I'm technically a freshman at UPB, but a sophomore when it comes to the subjects and year standing. So i approached the girl who came out of nowhere. I asked her if a transferee such as I were to move forward the line too. She told me to wait, for she wasn't sure of my case. She went back to the classroom to ask for help. After a short while, she came up to me and told me that the students with cases like me, must have their enrollment done on November 8.

October 8???!! That won't be till next week! I have plans! November 8 is still too far from today. I can't wait here in Baguio doing nothing till October 8. I have plans in getting to Tarlac ASAP to get my driver's license, and I can't give it up just for the moved enrollment date!

I felt embarrassed. I went back to the line and told Gabe that I had to leave him. I told him that I had to wait till Nov. 8. We then said our goodbyes, and I left, disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated. And all the -'ed's you can think of. I immediately called my parents and told them what terrible mistake I have done. If it werent for the "supposedly" Daryll's-November 3 enrollment day, I wouldve gone with my parents from Tarlac, gone with ate chat and her family, and had the opportunity to bring Ate Chat to the NAIA for her flight to Malaysia. Unfortunately, I havent. instead, i have gone to baguio by taking a four-hour bus drive, slept for a couple of hours, ATTEMPTED to enroll, and failed. Now my parents are letting my travel back to Cavite, which is about 8 hours from Baguio. My 'Tarlac and the driver's-license-plans' are cancelled. or shall i use the term, postponed. But still, it's very very frustrating.

I love travelling. I really do. But this time's different. I have been sitting on a bus seat for like dozens of hours just this week. Travel here and travel there. This Undas vacation kept me from home and kept me on the road.

I left Baguio at around 3pm.

Now, I have to face another 8 hours in the bus AGAIN. This time's harder. my mom told me to bring the sack of veggies my tita loht left in baguio. it's hard to explain how the sack of veggies was left behind, but it's with me now. I am on my way to Cavite with a large malleta', a hand-carry, and a sack of veggies. Can you believe it? a sack of veggies? That'd be so embarrassing. Imagine me carrying such a thing. I'd laugh myself to death.

Yes. It was haggard. a storm is going to hit the Philippines soon, and it started raining when I reached Manila. The bus arrived in Pasay just in time.

The rain kept me in the terminal. I waited for Cavite-bound buses to pass by the highway, and doing that got me wet for there was no shade on where I was waiting. it took me around 30 minutes before i got into the bus headed for Cavite this time. This trip is another one-hour drive. Remember, I still had the veggies and its sack. I looked like a typical Manila tindero who is now on his way home. This really is embarrassing.

The most embarrassing part was when I got down the bus and rode the jeep that went to the palengke. Imagine me riding a jeepney full of passengers with a really large malleta and a sack or sako on my hands. The students who borded the jeep stared at me. They might have been wondering why this veggie tindero travelled home so late at night. It was almost 1am. After that horrible jeepney ride of doom, I rode the tricycle until i reached home sweet home. I was finally home, home from the awful bus ride, from the second bus ride, and from that horrible jeepney ride. HOME, SWEET HOME.

House Boy--Hakuna Matata FAIL.

I thought I was going to have the "break-slash-vacation" of the year. It's our sem break now, and I have been a HOUSE BOY during those weeks.

Okay, so you must understand that my parents are ALWAYS busy with their work, it always seemed that they're more devoted to it than to any other thing in the world. Well, i'm obviously complaining here.

I haven't seen my family for like, one whole semester. I kinda missed 'em, you know. Well, not JUST them, but also the state of NOT doing anything at all--no homework, no chores, no quizzes or exams to review for, but just staying in the house, in your room, worrying about what movie or tv series you would like to watch in your laptop.

You get what I mean, it's like a hakuna matata life. ( HAHA! I think I used the wrong term)

Well, this sem break wasn't really what I expected it to be like. After my family's trip from Roxas City (which I wasn't a part with), I went back to my hometown--Cavite, which was about an 8 hour trip from my boarding house in Baguio. As I rode the bus that night, I was imagining of how worry-free my vacation in Cavite would be. I was excited to eat my favorite food, sinigang, cooked by the hands of my mother, I was relieved thinking how our house help (if thats what you call those who help with the house chores and stuff, i dont want to call em maids cuz thats mean? HAHA) would wash all my laundry that i brought im my suitcase. I thought of being like the prince of the house. hahaha!

Okay, just as i said, it didnt come out the way i wanted it to be.

1. our house help (you know the term :D ) was ALSO having her vacation

2. my mom as I have said, WAS TOOOOOOOOOOOO devoted to her job. she should marry it.

3. the house, AND my room was a mess,

4. the airconditioning units wont work

5. i forgot that the house has NO WiFi.

Whew. Because our ate (the house help. HAHA i cant think of the better term eh. sorry) wasnt at home, I WAS THE ONE WHO WASHED ALLL MY LAUNDRY. and because my mom, was too busy, (and I feel sorry for her because she has UTI-Urinary Track Infection), I was the one who cooked ALL the meals of the day. Including the rice. HAHA. just so you know, I dont know HOW to cook. I just learned how after I watched the How to cook videos on YouTube. I cooked sinigang, adobo, tinola, and roast pork. HAHA, proud of myself. LOL

I had to fix my room which my sister messed up.

I had to bear with the heat.

I had to plug my laptop just beside the internet modem thingie just so i could go online.

I had to wait for like 16 hours just to download "Six Feet Under Season 2" on my laptop.

while my sisters went to school, and my parents at work, I was left with the dirty dishes used from breakfast, lunch, and even dinner. EWW. washing dishes was the worst house chore ever.

alone at home, I was left to clean the house, bla bla. and so on...

SERIOUSLY. this has gone toooo far beyond what I have expected. I'm now a HOUSE BOY. the house maid. the Male-kind-of-nanny or something. the yaya.

I thought I would be the house bum. which again didnt happen. HAHA.

I wish school's back again. Let's go back to Baguio.

I think life is much bettah theah. LOL

SIGH.SIGH SIGH.

Back to Baguio \m/

its 10:22 pm and I just got home. I arrived from Cavite just at around 6am this morning, and I slept the whole day. I woke up at 4pm and prepared to go to Victory to attend the 6pm service. Late ako. oo. haha. After the service, I went with ate Charity and her friends to have dinner. We ate at the new Steaks and Toppings at Session Road. Si kuya Dennis at si Kuya Darryl lang ang kilala ko dun. haha. its okay. It was fun. Ate's friends are cool. (wala lang.) She's leaving for Manila tonight, to process her papers. thats why right now, I'm a house BUM. walang kasama, walang magawa (pwera sa manood ng movies buong magdamag), and I miss my lifebox and SET-UP friends na din. :( theyre not in baguio kaya di ako maka sleepover. ang lungkot talaga.

I need someone to stay here with me. Lonely ako. oo. ang drama no, but true. :(

ANYONE? STAY WITH ME. please. :(

another movie to watch: Nightmare on Elm Street.

malungkot na talaga. :(

Change of Plans

hi. its October 14, 2011 and Im bloggin--8:00 in the morning. thats right. and just so you know, im in cavite now, ill be staying here till tomorrow until my parents and siblings will leave for Roxas city. i arrived at 2:00 this morning, and as soon as i got home, i worked on my BLL102 final paper. it was about 7:45 when i finished writing it. now it has been sent to ma'am florendo via email already. yay!!

SEM BREAK NA!!!!

happy vacation guys! :D

No family this time.

yeah that's right, its just another monday morning.

its 1:46 pm and i just woke up. i havent eaten anything today yet, of course, my mom hasnt sent me my allowance yet. That's probably how poor we are. HAHA. well talk about poor-- my family are going to Roxas city this weekend for a National Student Convention. that's right, they booked plane tickets for themselves--everyone in the family except me.

you must know that the 1st semester of this school year has just ended, and the semestral break has just begun.

My org-mates, churchmates and friends here in Baguio are all going down to their provinces to have their vacation, spending time with their families, having a good time and all.

Well, that's them. I MIGHT be staying here in Baguio. or, I MIGHT go down to Cavite this wednesday and go back up to Baguio on Saturday, the day of my family's flight. if i stay in Cavite, ill die. no friends, no internet, cable, telephones, malls, money, night life, --anything.

Anyways, staying here in Baguio alone while your family's having a good time-slash-vacation at Roxas City is very, lets use the word, lovely.

Im being sarcastic here.

I havent been treated like this my whole, entire life.

Its okay. maybe God has a plan for this. besides, i'm 18. i can do whatever I want. HAHA.

i have a paper to finish. this is for BLL 102.

yup, and we're on a sem break.

cool huh?

deadline's on friday. Gotta start writing!

gbye! :D

UPb--1st semester 2011 subjects

1. Philosophy 27

2. BLL101

3. BLL 102

4. Philosophy 11

5. Komunikasyon Uno

THIS LIFE @ UPb.

Okay, so this might be weird, because i forgot that i even had a blog--well, not totally though. I must have been too lazy to update it. Well, to make things short, my dream of being a UPian came true. so yeah, im out of UC, and i transferred to UP-Baguio studying Language and Literature.

yup, a lot of things happened this summer.

1. i got into UP!!! (haha redundant eh no?)

2. i had a terrible stay at Cavite (i dont want to discuss the details. i really dont.)

number 2 suffices the statement "a lot of things happened this summer"

so that's probably it.

The next blogs will be about my life at UP. :D so lets forget about the last blog posts. aryt?