Messed Up Circadian Rhythm

Alright. So it's four in the morning and I haven't gotten any sleep yet. My circadian rhythm is messed up. I have an exam on Psych 101 later at 10, and I think I'm not ready yet. oh, crap. Well, I better get some sleep now, the sleep I have been longing for--ever since the finishing of my Soc Anth101 paper (ill tell you more about that paper story some other time). Alrighty...good night!

I'm Totally Messed Up

I realized that I haven't been posting anything in this blog lately, so I decided to write something, since I felt the need to express what I am actually feeling right now. Well, to hit on the subject, I want to say that I AM TOTALLY MESSED UP. This basically means that, I'm not doing well with my academics--at all; I haven't been feeling well lately, ( i have this two-week old cough); I have problems handling my money and time; and i can't seem to fix my priorities straight. Something's terribly wrong.
There are also a lot of things in my mind right now--two exams on Monday, the ugly thought of extending in college, my busted phone, my stupidity in Mathematics, orderliness, and relationships with my roommates, orgmates, churchmates and friends. Thinking about them stresses me to the bones.

I also realized that the blame for these predicaments are all on me. I have caused all these troubles. It's all my fault. How could I be so stupid.

I am mad at myself.
I hate myself.
HAHA. And I think I'm going psycho.

I JUST WISH THAT THIS SEMESTER WOULD END ALREADY.

I WISH I COULD JUST GO INTO THIS CERTAIN TYPE OF TRANCE WHERE I COULD ESCAPE AND TAKE A BREAK FROM THE REAL WORLD.

I WISH I COULD BRING BACK TIME.

I WISH I WERE SMARTER IN MATH.


Oh. What could I do anyway. It even seems that my roommates don't want me anymore. Ang gulo ko kasi sa bahay. Well, as I said. it's all my fault. I can't blame them for not liking me. gad. I wish I could just be a better person.

oh goodie.

Tagalog Dapat!

Hindi ako karaniwang nagsusulat ng blog sa Tagalog. Hindi ko din maipagmamalaki na bihasa ako sa wikang ito kahit na isa akong Pilipino. Pero dahil may kaibigan (na naging kaanak-anakan din) na itatago nalang natin sa pangalang, Bea de Castro, ang pagpapaskil na ito ay dapat na nakapahayag sa wikang Tagalog. *lunok-malalim* (sa Ingles, *gulps*) Salamat sa iyo, Google translate! Mahal na mahal kita.

Heto na...

Tulad nga ng sabi ko, hinding-hindi ko maipagmamalaki na magaling ako sa Tagalog, sapagka't ako'y pinalaki ng mga magulang ko na ang mga paraan ng lahat ng aming pakikipag-usap ay nasa wikang Ingles. Pag kakausapin ang yaya, Ingles. Uutusan ng magulang--Ingles. Librong babasahin--Ingles. Palabas sa telebisyon--Ingles. Lahat nalang--Ingles. Hindi ko naman masasabing sosyal ang pamilya ko, dahil ang nanay ko ay isa lamang hamak na guro, at ang itay ay isang OFW o isang pangkaragatang-trabahador lamang. Pero kung makapag-salita kasi, wagas. Napakawagas na Ingles. Yan ang unang wika na aking natutunan. Ingles. Mukha tuloy kaming pamilya de primera clase. (<--OMg. ano yan.) Tandaan, hindi lahat ng nag-Iingles ay sosyal na nilalang. Naaalala ko tuloy yung biro tungkol sa isang babaeng Inglisyerang "sosyal" sa isang bus:

Ate: Hey manong conductor! Could you make abot naman my luggage?
Kundoktor: Syore, manang. Saan po yung bagahe niyo?
Ate: Ah, there. The sako.

(ops. sume-segway na.)

Ang pangalawang wika naman na natutunan ko ay ang Tagalog noong ako'y limang taong gulang pa lamang. Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, ito yoong panahon noong lumipat ang pamilya ko sa Cavite upang manatili doon ng dalawang taon. Doon ako nagpatuloy ng dalawang taon ng pagaaral.
Naaalala ko pa yoong hirap na wala kang kaibigan dahil Ingles ka nagsasalita at hindi makaintindi ng Tagalog. Dito sa paaralang ito, Tagalog naman ang wikang natural na binibigkas. @__@ Hindi tulad nung dati kong paaralan sa Baguio na dapat lahat ng estudyante at pati na rin ang stap ay magsalita ng Ingles.

Dahil wala akong kaibigan sa Cavite, pinilit ko ang aking sarili na magsalita at makipag-usap sa wikang Tagalog.
Pagbalik ng pamilya ko sa Baguio matapos ang dalawang taon, matatas na ako sa wikang Tagalog, ngunit hirap padin sa Filipino sa klase. Lagapak kung sa lagapak. (Biro mo, hindi ko binasa ang Noli me Tangere at El Filibusterismo. Pero nakapagtapos ako ng high-school! Salamat sa mga nakasalin na libro at palabas na nabibili sa National Book Store.)

Hindi lang Tagalog at Ingles ang nakayanan kong aralin. Kahit ayaw ko sa mga Koryano, maniwala ka sa hindi, natuto akong magbasa, magsulat at makipag-usap ng diretso sa wikang Koryano o Hanggul. Natutunan ko naman ito noong ako'y tumira sa Tsina ng walong buwan. Labing dalawang taong gulang ako noon. Doon, natuto na din akong mag-Intsik ng kaunti. Kaunti lamang dahil ang Intsik ay mahirap na mahirap unawain. Masungit pa ang guro ko ng Instik noon. hanep.

Pagbalik ko sa Pinas, mas nahirapan nanaman akong mag-Tagalog dahil hindi ko na naensayong salitain ito. Ingles, Koryano at Intsik lang kasi nga naman ang salita ng mahigit walong buwan. Ayon. nahirapan talaga ako.

***Kaya kung ang kuwento sa paskil na ito ay may mali sa gramatika, pagpasensyahan niyo na po ang bobo. hehe. Ngunit hindi naman ako maihahalintulad sa isang malansang isda, tulad nga ng binanggit ni Jose Rizal, dahil mahal ko naman ang sarili kong wika--at nais ko talagang matutunan pa ito ng lubos. Hindi lang talaga ako mahusay. Pangako.

Yan din ang dahilan kung bakit ako umalis ng BALL (Bachelor of Arts in Language and Literature)
at laking takot na pasukan ang COMM (Communication Arts). Kaya, Soc Anth nalang ang kurso ko. Masaya naman ako doon.

O siya. Tama na. Laking kahihiyan na ito.

Bye-bye! este. pambihira. leche. PAALAM!


Bea, may utang ka saakin dahil dito! hehehehhe

Unproductive Saturday

I woke up at around 11 in the morning today, and the sun was shining brightly already, after weeks of gloomy days here in Baguio. I missed the sun and that particular warmth it makes me feel.

Anyway, I was also supposed to study all day today, that's because there really are a lot to study for-- Math 11, Soc Anthropology 101, Soc Sci 10, and lots more. I've got tons of readings all from those subjects, and reading them takes most of my 24 hours from my day. Next to the time allotted on readings are sleep and Facebook, then the watching One Tree Hill. I get tend to get real timid when it comes to studying.

After eating lunch at around 12nn, I continued watching the second episode of One Tree Hill season 8. That took around 50 minutes. I took a bath after, then went to church to attend two meetings: LifeBox's "Pumped Up"  and The Service Coordinator's General Assembly. It was ate Alelli's first time to lead the latter meeting, and she did a pretty great job. :)) (Y)

Today was also Saturdate, another newly-opened, 6pm service here at Victory Baguio, and I served as the Service Coordinator today. Service Coordinators make sure that everything during the service will just flow spontaneously. From the sound system to the lights, from the number of seats to the actual number of attendees, and from the different ministries to the pastor. In other words, they're like back-stage or floor managers. (I won't be talking about this any further. hehe)

Lo, and Behold! Kuya Richmond!

After the 6pm service, we practiced for tomorrow's 6pm service again, that's on Sunday. (duh) I played the keyboards, and kuya Richmond (one of my awesome roommates) lead the practice, and ofcourse, he'll be leading tomorrow's 6pm Praise and Worship. He's a great singer, and I admire him of his humility, patience and character. I just hope that he'll  still be keeping the fire burning real hot in serving Him. Kuya Richmond's life testimony has been a great blessing to me.

Andok's Dokito Frito. Masarap 'to. maraming MSG

Kuya Richmond and I got home at around 11pm, and we were hungry. As in, REAL HUNGRY.
Our food: Dokito Frito (Andok's Fried Chicken); 2 cups of rice; and 1  Mais con Yelo. Take-out yan. 


It's 1:51 right now, and I'm about to sleep na. "I'll start studying tomorrow." I always keep promising myself. I just hope I'll have the discipline to read and study tomorrow.

BTW. We invited our neighbors to church tomorrow. Bale, kasabay ko sila sa 6pm Service. I hope and pray that they will come to know how much Christ loves them, tomorrow. (I mean later na pala) And that's why I'm excited for what God is about to do at our 6pm service tomorrow.

Tulog na'ko. Good night, Guys! :)









Goals on Sunday (June 24, 2012):
1. Wake up real early; wash clothes kapag hindi tinamad;
2. Study Readings esp. in Soc Anth; (prepare for quizzes)
3. Study song line-ups for 6pm service;
4. Make sure neighbors attend church service;
5. Watch Episode 4 of One Tree Hill


*all photos in this post are not mine, they are all credited to google images and facebook.

Hey Muse, I'm Glad Yer Back!

It seemed that I have lost my muse ever since I lost all my work after my laptop got reformatted. You see, I have been writing a series of amateurish short stories, poems and songs after I got into UP. It actually seemed to be my hobby--well, only when I'm at home. And since I am the type of guy who does not have the confidence to let the open world read them, I decided to publish only a few into my blog, most of which have been deleted shortly after realizing their risks of embarrassment.

Lesson learned: Upload all files to the internet. YAN KASI.

Now, just this summer, I got my laptop reformatted at my cousin's, doltishly forgetting to backup all the files I wanted to save. Those include the songs in my playlist, a set of horror movies, my school projects and written work. Everything's gone, after a series of clicks on the mouse, just like how Dr. Mendoza from Philosophy class described tabula rasa. I remember the frustrations, the regrets, the dashing hopes.I was grateful with what my cousin did for me, but since then, I lost my determination and purpose in writing just how  I lost my files.

Back to amateur writing. LOL

Lately, after months of my writing indolence, it gradually seemed that my fingers have gone frenzy onto the keyboard to write again. The act of opening Microsoft Word every time I open my laptop excites me, as if that I had a lot to type in. It seems to be really, really weird but i'm glad that I'm back on writing again. I'm glad that my muse is back. YAAAY!

LORD, I Remember You!

"Maalaala mo Kaya?" or "Will/Do You Still Remember?"(photo credit goes to google images)

THIS. IS. GOING. TO. BE. LOOOOOOOONG. Parang readings lang ng Soc-An. (Just like the readings of the Soc-An majors)

I AM PRETTY SURE that all of us Christians have experienced having these awfully, negative feelings such as depression, sorrow, grief, and even the simplest to the most complex form of anxiety in our lives. For students like me, these may be because of failing exams or grades, the occasional stress, family and/or roommate troubles, homesickness, the usual, heartbreaking 'love life,' fights with classmates and org-mates, blackmailing and so on. Name it, there are plenty more!  ∞

Now to begin with, I want you to consider the following questions: 

• Have you ever praised and thanked God for giving you failing grades, stress, homesickness and enemies?;
• Have you ever asked the question, "God! Why is this [insert problem here] happening to me!?"; 
• Have you ever felt like not going to church or rather dragged yourself there because you felt that no good thing was going to happen or change, anyway?; or
• Have you ever got mad at God for not giving you what you thought you needed or wanted?

Now, let me share to you two of my favorite verses in the Bible:

(5)Why am I discouraged? 

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again--

my Savior and (6) my God!

Now, I am deeply discouraged,

BUT I will remember You--

even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of Jordan,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

             -Psalms 42: 5-6 (NLT)

David, as he was writing this part of Psalms, obviously needed a Clinical Psychologist or a Physiologist, at least, to help him with is emotional drama. You would actually find countless numbers of rants and complaints if you would just read through the chapters of the Book. 

Anywaysss, that is not my point. David, at this time of his life, saw the troubles from God's wrath--and that discouraged him, a lot. There have been times in my life where it came to a point where I thought that God really didn't make sense. Trouble comes after trouble, until it all seems to be combining, causing our ruin--our defeat.

Well, David didn't need a Clinical Psychologist or a Psychiatrist after all, because he knew and did what he really would've done. He did two simple things, actually: He 1 Remembered the LORD [for His kindness] and 2 he praised Him despite all the trouble and sadness, and depression. 

THOSE, MY FRIEND, ARE TWO HARD THINGS TO DO in times of raging hell and misery. I myself have the tendency of ranting and complaining whenever things go wrong with my life, or even with others'. I kept on thinking, "Who in the entire world would actually thank God for a very tragic event to the least of the predicaments like, death, for instance, to the simple delay of your weekly allowance?" OR, "Who (again) in the entire world would be seen jumping and clapping in church like an ol', party boy while at the same time is undergoing through tons of homework, exams and STREESSSS?"

Well, David praised Him. David remembered Him, and then praised Him even more.

Another remarkable story related to this post is the story of the life of Job. (Read the tragedy at Job chapter1)

My challenge to you today is this: Always remember that tragedies in life are all appointed and overruled by the LORD. Instead of focusing on the lack of your allowance, or the terror of your teachers at school, focus on, and remember the goodness and kindness of God in YOUR life. To give you something to begin with, remember that He gave is One and Only Son to suffer, get humiliated and die a painful death just because of your unceasing wickedness, so that you could live with Him for eternity. He loves you so much, you know, that He even promised in Hebrews 3:5 and said that, "...I [the LORD] will never leave you nor forsake you."

Apply that promise to yourself, then plead it to God. 

REMEMBER HIS LOVE and GOODNESS, then PRAISE HIM--NO MATTER WHAT.

"The Words That Made a Great Impact on My Life"

Okay so, before I mention the part where I write about the phrase that made a great impact on my life, I would like to give several presuppositions related to my past, particularly about the time when I was a kid--an elementary student. Back then, I have actually been a very active, or should we say, an overly naughty kid. To define my naughtiness, it just meant that all of our helpers back then quit their jobs, usually before reaching their third month (I think), not because of how difficult the house chores were, but was rather plainly because of me, not primarily because of what I do or how I act towards them, but because of who I am. Aside from getting choosey about the ‘healthy’ food they cook, I remember that everytime, before they even finish fixing all my mess (like my toys, food wrappers and the bed sheets I used to play bahay-bahayan with,) I usually find other stuff to play and get entertained with before they even finish cleaning. Yes, that meant that the house never seemed to get tidy—well, not when I’m around. And as I said, I have been a really active kid. That’s my facticity. There was even a time when I tried riding our neighbor’s bike down a steep, rocky hill. I stupidly knew and ignored the fact that that bike never had breaks on it, so it eventually resulted to a horrible accident, by which I mean having a broken foot bone with a cut that needed four stitches to shut (I don’t know what the bone was called) and an angry mother who even dared to spank me at home before rushing me to the hospital. I could also remember that at school, during the weekdays, I used to play volleyball every afternoon with my classmates, for at least an hour or so after our dismissal. I would get really sweaty and energy-drained. But when I got home, I would take a bath and play with my neighbors again. I would either go for taekwondo on the weekends or play and watch TV, and actively participate on our local church activities on Sundays. If you would notice, there was barely neither time nor initiative for me to hit the books and study, and that’s because I used to dislike studying. I do not totally hate it, but it’s just that, studying was like an allergy or a disease, which made me sick every time I look or think of them. As I continue to type this essay, disturbing thoughts enter my mind like, I have been either suffering from ADHD back then, or I am just being too paranoid, self-pitiful and judgmental about myself. (I think.) My point is that I have been a really naughty, naughty kid, who would even dare to put house chores over schoolwork.


Now during one fateful day at school (It was at fourth grade), my teacher back then got really pissed off after having been overfed by my naughtiness. I have been so passive and unproductive that day, well, all I did was to wander about with my mind, and played with my pencil and pen on my desk (I imagined them to be either small rocket ships or a submarine that had powers to write figures on paper). I didn’t even finish my goals for that day (it wasn’t even close), plus, my homework from the previous day haven’t even been crossed out from the ‘my goals’ list on my desk. All of those made my teacher upset and mad at me that day. She came to my desk during class, grabbed my arms with both of her hands, shook it a little and scolded,


“Ano ba yan, Daryll. You are such a failure! Wala ka nang ginawang maganda! Hindi ka magiging successful someday! You’re a failure, Daryll!”


Silence ruled over me after hearing those words. It was as if I have been mind-controlled or brainwashed or something. I can still remember how embarrassed and blank I was at that time; embarrassed, because I was sure my classmates heard every single word that was said. My teacher left my desk and went on with her work. I still heard her mumbling as she walked away, but that didn’t matter anymore. Honestly, I have been hurt by what she said, a lot. That’s why I have remained quiet for the rest of the day.


Those words became the ones that made a great impact in my life because it served as my life’s turning point when it came to studying and, shall I include, being behaved. It affected me wholly along with my study habits. Since then, I wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to let her know that I am not a failure despite my inattention and carelessness in studying. I decided to change. I started studying real hard, passing all my tests and attaining to get higher ranks in the Honor Roll, particularly in the Honor B, where I stayed consistent in. (That’s next to A, the highest honor, of course.) At the age of twelve I graduated from elementary as the First Honorable Mention. I got through high school, ran as Auditor and Council Adviser for the student government in my junior and senior year and finished also as the First Honorable Mention.


Laziness never left my life, of course; I still get lazy a lot. But before this particular laziness succeeds in the temptation it draws me to, I get reminded of the words my teacher told me that day. If it weren’t for those powerful, piercing and hurtful words, I would probably have been living the life I never wanted right now, just probably.

Room Tour: New House; New Housemates!

This summer might just be the best season ever.

My friends, Icho, Nico, Jonathan, Harold, Joseph, kuya Richmond and I left our former boarding houses and moved in together just last Sunday. Our new home, located at Barangay Engineer's Hill, is just about a six-minute walk away from school. The house includes three bathrooms, a kitchen (with a fridge, of course) and Wi-Fi.
Actually, we have dreamed and planned about living altogether already for more than a semester now (thinking that it would be like an everyday-sleepover). Finally after those months of planning, praying and house-hunting, we've successfully put those dreams and plans to reality.

I AM SOOO COOL! -not.

Nyeh, parang hindi naman cool. *major slapface*

I WANT TO SHARE to you a few things from a chapter of this book I have started reading just today. This book was given to me by a really cool friend and brother of mine, Jonathan Wong as a Christmas present. (thanks, bro!) Yup, and I just started reading it today. lols

Yeah, so it's called, Every Teenager's Little Black Book by Blaine Bartel.

Okay. I wanna get to the point now. 

Have you asked yourself, "Am I cool?" Mr. Bartel, the founder and youth pastor of Thrive Communications, has given 5 reflection points to know that you aren't cool. 

1.) If you constantly live in self-pity, looking to get attention, you are not cool.

2.) If you try to impress people with your money, possessions and accomplishments, you are not cool.

3.) If you are sharp-tongued, gossipy, and critical of others, then you are not cool. 

4.) If you only treat people you like and know with love and respect, you are not cool. 

5.) If you spend the majority of the time thinking about yourself,   having little regard for Christ and others, you are not cool. 

I bet that there are some people in your little world who, at the least, always try to impress YOU in some ways, or maybe you've experiencED trying to impress others, and at the same time telling yourself, "Grabe. I'm sooOO cool." with that matching humble attitude. Well, I'm not saying that I haven't tried doing this; I sometimes, am guilty of this too. Mistah Blaine wants us to know that cool people don't have to WORK just to impress you. Then he reminds us of points and verses from the Bible that helps us reflect on instances that makes us definitely UNcool:

You are not cool when you TALK ABOUT YOURSELF  most of the time.

"Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth." -(Prov. 27:2 NKJV)

You are not cool because of HOW you walk or WHAT you WEAR.

You are accepted and favored because of the good person you are, NOT the perception you try to create.

It is definitely not cool to live a life of sin and personal pleasure.

The Bible warns us, "The way of the transgressors is hard." (Prov 13:15)

It is not cool to make others feel SMALL by putting them down with your WORDS. 

Remember the law of sowing and reaping? If you don't, click here.

Feeling ko ang redundant ko na. (insert sad face here.)

Now I bet you're asking yourself, "eh, I don't wan't to be cool naman." or "Now why should I be cool? I wanna stay the same, my own, normal, averagely cool and simple life."

eh. *slapface.* GOD WANTS YOU TO BE COOL KAYA!

He wants you to be cool. 

He wants you to be accepted. 

And He definitely wants you to be favored

Ah, I think you're uncertain tuloy. Want proof? READ Proverbs 3:3-4. promise? Isapuso. Dali! 

I think that kuya Blaine's bottomline is that cool people are the ones who have the ability to influence others for good. He even says that, when you become 'cool', you can easily witness others about your faith, and bring them to the saving love of Christ. Cool people can stand up for the truth, being the right one among all odds, and that they don't need everyone to agree with them or even like them. Likable na nga kasi sila. I'm kinda running out of ideas, and I think that when you become a cool person, you can do lotsa and lotsa things. Like, being cool. (anu daw.) HAHA!

There are lotsa things you can act upon so that you could become cool. Mr. Blaine says, That's:

when you stand up for what is right;

when you reach out to the needy or the UNCOOL;

when you freely admit your shortcomings and move with Godly confidence; and

when you PUT GOD FIRST in your words, actions and plans.

SO, WHATCHACHA waitin' for? GET COOL!

end.

All the credits to:

Bartel, Blaine, (2008) Every Teenager's Little Black Book, Christian Literature Crusade, Valenzuela City,       Metro Manila, (pp.3-9)

I Wanna Lay in That Casket Too.

Have you ever been to a 'viewing' of the dead, or probably to a real funeral/ burial before? Well, I can say that I have, and I that could still remember the sight of the cold, pale-colored faces and bodies that wore such assumingly costly suits and dresses lying underneath the casket's glass. And besides from observing the finely-made caskets with their unusual mixture of bright and dark colors, the flowers and their weird dead smell, the extremely long candles and the like, observing how the dead lay on his casket was probably the most awesome thing to do in a viewing. It always seems that the dead were always at peace with themselves, no matter how painful, or how 'morbid' their death has been. It always seemed that they were really 'detached' from the world, together from it's unending sorrow and darkness... as if they were in the state of being one-hundred percent free from life's sadness and troubles. It seemed that they were happy, lying in their caskets as if they were teen-age bums who did nothing but to lie down on their beds during stress-free weekends. It was as if they really really really had nothing to do--no homework, no exams to prepare for, no horrible errands to run, no jobs, no chores, no simple and even complex, life problems to solve or to run away from. They too, obviously, had no headaches, because starting then, no one tells them what to do.


Oh, how I wished I were like them. How peaceful they look. (O__O)


But here's the problem. They're cold. They're dead.


Sometimes I wished being in that rectangular, wooden box, lying as if I had nothing to do with the world. Yes, I wanna try lying down on that casket too, well, at least just for a little while. If only death weren't permanent, I'd replace my bed with a light brown, 5ft 8" coffin, and "die" whenever problems in life tell me to do so. (Hey I think replacing my bed with a coffin would save some room space. haha) Well, all I wanted was to rest--a rest from everything.  Sige na, kahit limang minuto lang.




After countless minutes of staring at my laptop screen, thinking on how to start my next paragraph, on how I should get buried, I figured out something else, something way cooler than having to lie and play dead on caskets. Something that, just by the mere thought of it, assurance of rest shall be granted, easier than getting it from the genie in the bottle.


Let me give you a few verses to ponder upon:


"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'"
(Matthew 11:28) NLT


"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
(John 16:33)


"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
(John 14:27)


"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."

(Psalms 116:7) 

"The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again."
(Proverbs 24:16)

"I can do everything through Him [Christ] Who gives me strength."

(Philippians 4:13) 

Now I think that I wouldn't want to lie in the casket anymore, now I need not envy the dead. Oo na, let them be. haha

It's because I already got my Rest, my Refuge and my Source of peace. 

Need I elaborate more? 

Thank You, Lord, for in You, I have rest.

How Do You Deal With Losing Someone You Love?

I have been watching this TV Series called, "One Tree Hill." Yes, you can call me the out-of-date-dude, because this TV series has been already airing a couple of years ago. I've heard about this when I was in high school, but I chose not to watch it, neither have I at least, paid attention to it, because everyone says that it's one of the TV Drama-part categories. Back then, those weren't just my type.

Well, to make my nonsense explanation short, I finally decided to download the first season in my laptop just this past three weeks and watch. Believe it or not, after those three, academic weeks, I am now on Season 3.

There was one line on the script that Mouth, one of the casts, said that made me stare blank on my laptop screen for minutes. Mouth asked coach Whitey, "How do you deal with losing someone you love?"

I asked myself that question after hearing Mouth say it. How should I deal with my world by the time I lose someone I love? OR, I wonder how I have dealt with it in the past?

Just so you know, this lost, loved one thingie is not family-related. LOL.

As the episode ended with the credits rolling on, bla bla, I  stared at the ceiling, trying to rewind-and-replay the past-- thinking about the bad (well, fine: and good) memories that I have made with the person I HAVE lovED the most back then. I have also thought about how terrible the times were when I was in the stage of actually losing her, having that mere thought that she's now out of my life. She's not dead, of course, or anything. She's just gone. Lost, as they say.

Some people say that whenver they had to deal with times like this, they would just simply cry it out to their friends for a little while, and let em go.  My other friends say that a shot or two, from the Gin or Whisky bottle always serves as the trick. Some say, they would slit their wrists, or do drugs. Some say that they'd go really crazy, as in, becoming mentally ill, and that death would be the only door out. Others say that it's gonna be the combination of everything written above.

Well, I might say that I haven't exactly done any of those things. I think. But back then, (well, just this summer, lol)  there came a time when I experienced drinking five 500mg Tylenol tablets when depression came over me. The doctor usually advises me to drink only half a tablet (250mg) whenever I get headaches and/or body aches.They were actually pain killers, not 'hurt' killers. I thought that it should do the trick. HAHA. I didn't actually intend to kill myself, (honestly, I was scared, but I didnt care anyway) but at that time, I was just hoping to feel, numb at least, from the hurts in my world and the world around me. Literally. Or I was hoping that I'd rather become unconscious, or in a coma after drinking the meds. After that, everything would be dramatically tragic.

At that time, I was out of school, I had no REAL friends around, I felt far away, homesick, rather, from the church and my authentic family, I felt far from God, I had family problems, no. parents-and-son problems, I had the negative-type of anxiety of not getting back into college, and a lot of other shallow quandries that continued to pop out.

It was also the time when I lost that someone I loved.

(kunwari dramatic na daw. HAHA. plays dramatic music... O_O )

You may laugh at me right now, because nothing happened after I drank those pain killers. I waited and waited. The next day, I drank another five. But still, nothing happened.
 It was a trying-to-be-an-emo-person-FAIL. I figured that 5 tablets havent been strong enough to alter anything that worked in my body. (well, not that I know of...)
Then I figured that even if I drank another five tablets--plus five, the anxiety, pain, depression, or whatever you call it, is still there.

I'll just have to deal with it. again.

but, how?

 now, this is the part where I type the words, "I gave everything to God."

And when I say, "everything," I really mean the whole thing. Sometimes, all you have to do is surrender everything to God, which includes your hurts and pains, the joys and the happiness, the drama, and the trauma. naks.

And with it, what you need is faith and trust. Then let God do the comforting and the work.


Who says He'll leave you?

Yes, you may lose someone who you really love in this world, but I assure you that you'll never lose the One Who loves you from the very start, even if it seems that you were the one who got lost from Him.

Ikaw, How do you deal with losing the person you love? :)

"Silence. Then Blood"

Yes, i know that it's been a long time after I last wrote in this blog. Well, I have been really busy lately, as in, really busy, from the enrollment to the add mats and from One Tree Hill to all the other random stuff. HAHA.( this is weird.) anyway, I don't have a stable, internet connection here in my room, that's why I got lazy when it came to blogging. HAHA. sorry for the silence. I shall try to explain about this sooner or later, by the time I get Mr. Motivation and Inspiration back to work. Anyway, something exciting (well, not that exciting. :c ) happened today.
I was able to donate blood again. >:D
after three months, three LOOOONG months, I was able to donate blood. AGAIN. woah. that was redundant. haha. well, i just feel so good when I think about donating blood. it's probably of the mere thought of you being able to help people. naks! twenty minutes after donating, I went to class, then to church--leading the 6pm youth service. :))
after the service, we went to KFC for dinner with my friends. <---(is this even relevant info? whaat?) well, it has been a great night. Sigh.

to do tomorrow: get through PE2--Body building and Weight Lifting. HAHA. lalaki kaya talaga katawan ko nito? I wonder.... 

"Sweat, Tears, and Love" -a short story

“Sweat, Tears, and Love”

by Welman Daryll Mutya

It has been a long, tiresome day at school. The periodical tests surely drained the brains out of me. Well, at least it's over now, and I was thinking about sleeping earlier tonight, to regain the sweet, precious hours of sleep I lost just so that I could review for my exams. There are no readings to read, or lessons to study for tonight, that's why I was thinking of helping Mama bag the vegetables when I get home, so that she could sell them at the market tomorrow.  But as of now, my main concern is to be able to ride a bus, or a jeepney, at least, that would take me home.

Mama might be worrying about me right now, why I was out late again. Because of the interminable, Manila traffic, I always get home at around 6:00 in the evening. That's an hour after our dismissal. And for her, that's really late.

She really worries about me, a lot. I always reminded her that I am already sixteen, and that I am a big boy who can manage himself home. But she always tells me how dear I am to her, and that I am far too precious for her to lose. After what happened to Papa and Kuya, she told me that she never wanted to lose anyone in her life again. Papa and kuya Pako, along with seven other passengers have been tragically killed in a jeepney accident when I was twelve. Now, Mama only has me and I only have her. Iwanted to make her happy despite of the sorrow our facticity has given us. Even though we were poor, I promised Mama that I shall study hard, graduate myself from college, earn a great job, and buy her a big house, so that we wouldn't live our whole lives in the squatters anymore. The barangay tanod warned us that they would get our house demolished soon. The mere thought of this always kept Mama from being happy. We didn't know where else to live.

Okay, enough of the daydreaming. Here comes my ride.

I stretched my arms and feet as I got down from the jeepney. I think I even strained my neck after falling into a deep sleep during the ride. I told you, Manila traffic is Manila traffic. It gives enough time for travelers to have "power naps", as my friends at school call it, despite of the blistering heat of the afternoon sun.

"Tao po, Mama?", I said as I knocked at the door. "Tao po."

I knocked again, but there was no answer. I was sure that Mama's inside the house because the pad lock kept the door shut from the inside.

"Ma, pakibukas po yaong pinto. Yaong anak mo po ito."

I sighed. Mama still didn't answer. I walked around our house to check the small, square window that served to be our house's only source of ventilation.

"She might've been sleeping again," I thought. She always tells me how she easily gets so tired and dizzy, and since the past year, she's been complaining about having these headaches. I was guessing that that was probably because of her job, and because of the unbearable heat of the day. My Mama works as a vendor selling vegetables in the market every day, just so we can get our ever-hungry stomachs fed, and get myself to school. Papa always used to be with her every single day when he was still alive, helping Mama carry the big, heavy sacks of carrots and cabbages to and from the market. Never in my whole life have I seen them neither discontent nor ashamed of their job. Now, Mama's left behind, and I only had the time to help her during the weekends and after I get home from school. It's a tiresome job, and I couldn't blame her for having those headaches.

I tried to peek through the window. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I saw Mama lying on the floor, unconscious. The window was too small for me, so I couldn't get myself in.

I started to panic. It seemed that all of a sudden, the clock started to tick as if it was the last five seconds of a basketball game, or like the sound of your teacher's voice asking you to pass your papers every exam. I suddenly felt this pressure; I was running out of time.

 Tears started to gush down my cheeks as I hurried to the door. I banged it repeatedly with my hands, but I didn't seem to work.

Then I started kicking. I felt the adrenalin rush through my nerves, which eventually caused me to kick harder. Then the door flung open. I couldn't believe it, it was a miracle. I rushed inside the house, kneeling beside my unconscious mother lying on the floor.

More tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Mama, mama, gumising ka na po...sige na, ma. Please..." I said as I placed her neck on my left arm, lightly slapping her cheeks, hoping that she would wake up."Saklolo!" I cried, "Saklolo! Tulungan niyo po kami!"

No one seemed to hear me. Or maybe they just didn't care to listen. I knew I was still running out of time.

With nothing else to do, I immediately lifted her neck with my left arm and both her legs with my right. I carried her as I rushed outside the house in attempt to bring her to a small, public hospital about two blocks away from our house. "Saklolo!" I grieved. The people in the sidewalks stared at me as I walked through. They just stood there, looking as if they were entertained with what is happening. It was a hot evening and I was covered with sweat, my face with tears, and I couldn't help but to continue walking.

We finally reached the hospital. Exhaustion overcame my arms and legs.The nurses immediately attended to Mama and laid her on those typical, hospital beds, bringing her to the emergency room. I was told to wait outside in the halls. They did lots of stuff to her, and there were nurses coming in and out of the room.

I waited out there, helpless.

It has been seven hours now, after we got to the hospital. I was sitting on the floor just outside the room, and I couldn't stop thinking about Mama. I thought how important she is to me. Then flashbacks played on my head. I remember Mama taking care of me every time I got sick, and that she even used to buy me Sprite or Royal, and cooked lugaw so I would feel better. I remember how she used to put kuya Pako and I to sleep when we were little, by telling us the story of Jack and the Beanstalk every single night. I remember how she listens to me when I talked about school, how she always encouraged me to study hard, and how she always reminded me that I should choose my friends wisely. I remember the times we've spent bagging and segregating the vegetables every night so that she'd be all set for the next day. I remember her saying, "Mahal kita, anak. Mag-ingat ka." everytime I leave for school.

Then, I imagined my world without her. I would be lonely, not knowing what to do. I couldn't think of living in this world alone. I needed a mother. That's all I wanted for now. I wished that I was the one lying in that bed, and not her. I couldn't lose her.

More tears started to fall. I wiped my cheeks with my hands.

"Uh, ikaw ba si Niko Tanglao?" said the man as he stood near me.  I assumed he was the doctor. 

"Opo. Ako po yaon," I said.

"Gusto ka niyang makita."

"Kamusta na po siya, dok?"

"Ang mama mo ay kasalukuyang may sakit na Alteriovenous Malformation, o AVM kung tawagin. Ito'y isang uri ng sakit sa utak. Naku, dapat pina-checkup niyo na siya dati rati pa. Ngayon malala na yaong sakit, at masyadong fatal yung seizure na nangyari sa mama mo kanina. Sana kayanin niya pa yaong gabing ito. Wala na kaming magagawa kundi operahan siya. Ngayon, kung meron kayong pera..."

"Pwede ko po ba siyang makita?"

The doctor stopped talking and lifted his arm to the way in.

I immediately rushed inside. She was lying there, with tubes pierced into both her hands and arms. I saw the ECG just right beside her bed, beeping a slow-paced rhythm. I sat down beside her bed, held her hand beside my cheeks.

"Mama," I cried, "Magpagaling na po kayo...ayoko pong maiwan mag-isa." She heard my crying.

"Anak," she said, stuttering,  "Mag-aral kang mabuti ha...l..la...lagi mong tandaan n...na mahal na mahal kita. Mukhang hindi ko na kaya, anak. P...paagpasensyahan mo na ang nanay mo, t...tuma...tanda na."

I leaned onto her shoulder, wrapping her with my arm just like a child.

"Mama naman o... 'wag mo naman po sabihin yan...hindi ko kaya pag mawawala ka."

"Kaya mo yan, anak." she struggled, then she tenderly placed her arm on me, with the feeling of sweetness and love. It was just like how she does it when she says’s "Okay lang yan," or "Tulog na, anak." Then she continued, "Alam k...kong m...malakas ka. Mag...magpakabuti ka palagi, ha?

Huwag mong k...kakalimutan y...yung pangako mo saakin na bahay. Ha ha. M...maliit ka pa noon." 

She smiled, closing her eyes.

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, anak."

Then, the ECG beeped flat. ▪

KPOP? No thanks. :)

Kpop is baduy. funny.

My friend Jacob and I were talking about Kpop just the other day, while we were waiting for Fred to finish practicing his piano piece thingie. Jacob told me how much he liked Kpop, and how it entertains him whenever he listens to it. So that we wouldn't lose a conversation, I responded how much I hated it, and so on and so forth. I don't really spend time on listening to Kpop,. Jpop, not even to  Ppop, (I can't believe there's such a thing.) , or to any kind of  pops that are possibly existing in this planet. Probably it's because of the techno theme it always possesses. That's just not my thing.  I always use the term jologs to define it, and whenever I hear Kpop music from the malls and other public places, I usually start to have a bad day. I'd rather listen to my sister singing in the bathroom than listen to such songs. Uh. wait. no, I take that back.

Because I barely did anything today, and that because I had these, must-not-get-bored impulses in me, I decided to give Kpop the benefit of the doubt. I thought that Kpop might not be so bad after all. So I searched through YouTube and found this video.

I WAS WRONG.

KPOP was uniquely entertaining after all.

Let's laugh our lungs out. <---- ano daw? FAIL.

XD

Enrollment FAIL, Travel FAIL, Embarrassment WIN.

it was around 1:00am when I got home from a supposedly 8-hour trip from Baguio. i started writing this in my room at 2 am.

I know what happened yesterday was a very very dumb. well it was an honest but yet a really stupid mistake.

I actually thought that my enrollment for this school year's second semester was at that day, November 3. i even woke up early yesterday just to get the enrollment process done and over with asap, so that i could then go down to my mom's province, Tarlac, and have my Non-professional driver's license. As I got to school, i noticed the looooong line of freshmen and senior students of the College of Arts and Communication which started from the classroom just beside the College Office. that classroom was the place where we could get our 'True Copy of Grades' or TCGs from the past semester/s. That is where we also get our Form 5s--the from where our subjects are enlisted at. (i hope i described it right. :C ) After getting these documents, Enrollment process-step 1 is done.

So, I waited patiently at the end of the liiiiiine for my TCG and Form 5. I thought that it would take hours for me before i could get through this step. I sighed and out of boredom, stared at those different sorts of people and their variously themed outfits.

I saw Gabe, my follow-up, a freshman, and also a Language and Literature major pass by through me. As i called his attention, he immediately came near me, with a facial expression that rather seemed confused.

He asked me if this line was the line for the TCGs and Form 5s. I told him that he was on the right line. So we stood there, waiting patiently for the line that rather looked like as if it never moved a single inch. We started chatting, to break the awkward silence. We talked about the art works of the Fine Arts majors which dangled on the undercap of the CAC roof. we talked about how we were bums during the semestral break, how troubled Gabe's church's situation was, how we enjoyed our courses, and how cool professors in the University have been during the last semester.

The chatting cost us a lot of time, little did we know that we were the next ones in line. We got closer and closer by the minute. Meanwhile, there was this lady who came out of nowhere, called all the senior students to come up in front of the line. she said that the seniors are the first priorities. All the seniors in the line came forward. Thus, pushing us in the back of the line. The girl asked if there were any seniors or students from the higher years who hadn't come forward yet. Everybody just stared at her as if they wanted to eat her, or swallow her whole, or perhaps add her hannging with the dangling shimmering art works of the fine arts students.

I realized that i was ideally an upper year student. humbly speaking, i'm a freshman with a second-year/sophomore standing in the University. yes, I'm technically a freshman at UPB, but a sophomore when it comes to the subjects and year standing. So i approached the girl who came out of nowhere. I asked her if a transferee such as I were to move forward the line too. She told me to wait, for she wasn't sure of my case. She went back to the classroom to ask for help. After a short while, she came up to me and told me that the students with cases like me, must have their enrollment done on November 8.

October 8???!! That won't be till next week! I have plans! November 8 is still too far from today. I can't wait here in Baguio doing nothing till October 8. I have plans in getting to Tarlac ASAP to get my driver's license, and I can't give it up just for the moved enrollment date!

I felt embarrassed. I went back to the line and told Gabe that I had to leave him. I told him that I had to wait till Nov. 8. We then said our goodbyes, and I left, disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated. And all the -'ed's you can think of. I immediately called my parents and told them what terrible mistake I have done. If it werent for the "supposedly" Daryll's-November 3 enrollment day, I wouldve gone with my parents from Tarlac, gone with ate chat and her family, and had the opportunity to bring Ate Chat to the NAIA for her flight to Malaysia. Unfortunately, I havent. instead, i have gone to baguio by taking a four-hour bus drive, slept for a couple of hours, ATTEMPTED to enroll, and failed. Now my parents are letting my travel back to Cavite, which is about 8 hours from Baguio. My 'Tarlac and the driver's-license-plans' are cancelled. or shall i use the term, postponed. But still, it's very very frustrating.

I love travelling. I really do. But this time's different. I have been sitting on a bus seat for like dozens of hours just this week. Travel here and travel there. This Undas vacation kept me from home and kept me on the road.

I left Baguio at around 3pm.

Now, I have to face another 8 hours in the bus AGAIN. This time's harder. my mom told me to bring the sack of veggies my tita loht left in baguio. it's hard to explain how the sack of veggies was left behind, but it's with me now. I am on my way to Cavite with a large malleta', a hand-carry, and a sack of veggies. Can you believe it? a sack of veggies? That'd be so embarrassing. Imagine me carrying such a thing. I'd laugh myself to death.

Yes. It was haggard. a storm is going to hit the Philippines soon, and it started raining when I reached Manila. The bus arrived in Pasay just in time.

The rain kept me in the terminal. I waited for Cavite-bound buses to pass by the highway, and doing that got me wet for there was no shade on where I was waiting. it took me around 30 minutes before i got into the bus headed for Cavite this time. This trip is another one-hour drive. Remember, I still had the veggies and its sack. I looked like a typical Manila tindero who is now on his way home. This really is embarrassing.

The most embarrassing part was when I got down the bus and rode the jeep that went to the palengke. Imagine me riding a jeepney full of passengers with a really large malleta and a sack or sako on my hands. The students who borded the jeep stared at me. They might have been wondering why this veggie tindero travelled home so late at night. It was almost 1am. After that horrible jeepney ride of doom, I rode the tricycle until i reached home sweet home. I was finally home, home from the awful bus ride, from the second bus ride, and from that horrible jeepney ride. HOME, SWEET HOME.

House Boy--Hakuna Matata FAIL.

I thought I was going to have the "break-slash-vacation" of the year. It's our sem break now, and I have been a HOUSE BOY during those weeks.

Okay, so you must understand that my parents are ALWAYS busy with their work, it always seemed that they're more devoted to it than to any other thing in the world. Well, i'm obviously complaining here.

I haven't seen my family for like, one whole semester. I kinda missed 'em, you know. Well, not JUST them, but also the state of NOT doing anything at all--no homework, no chores, no quizzes or exams to review for, but just staying in the house, in your room, worrying about what movie or tv series you would like to watch in your laptop.

You get what I mean, it's like a hakuna matata life. ( HAHA! I think I used the wrong term)

Well, this sem break wasn't really what I expected it to be like. After my family's trip from Roxas City (which I wasn't a part with), I went back to my hometown--Cavite, which was about an 8 hour trip from my boarding house in Baguio. As I rode the bus that night, I was imagining of how worry-free my vacation in Cavite would be. I was excited to eat my favorite food, sinigang, cooked by the hands of my mother, I was relieved thinking how our house help (if thats what you call those who help with the house chores and stuff, i dont want to call em maids cuz thats mean? HAHA) would wash all my laundry that i brought im my suitcase. I thought of being like the prince of the house. hahaha!

Okay, just as i said, it didnt come out the way i wanted it to be.

1. our house help (you know the term :D ) was ALSO having her vacation

2. my mom as I have said, WAS TOOOOOOOOOOOO devoted to her job. she should marry it.

3. the house, AND my room was a mess,

4. the airconditioning units wont work

5. i forgot that the house has NO WiFi.

Whew. Because our ate (the house help. HAHA i cant think of the better term eh. sorry) wasnt at home, I WAS THE ONE WHO WASHED ALLL MY LAUNDRY. and because my mom, was too busy, (and I feel sorry for her because she has UTI-Urinary Track Infection), I was the one who cooked ALL the meals of the day. Including the rice. HAHA. just so you know, I dont know HOW to cook. I just learned how after I watched the How to cook videos on YouTube. I cooked sinigang, adobo, tinola, and roast pork. HAHA, proud of myself. LOL

I had to fix my room which my sister messed up.

I had to bear with the heat.

I had to plug my laptop just beside the internet modem thingie just so i could go online.

I had to wait for like 16 hours just to download "Six Feet Under Season 2" on my laptop.

while my sisters went to school, and my parents at work, I was left with the dirty dishes used from breakfast, lunch, and even dinner. EWW. washing dishes was the worst house chore ever.

alone at home, I was left to clean the house, bla bla. and so on...

SERIOUSLY. this has gone toooo far beyond what I have expected. I'm now a HOUSE BOY. the house maid. the Male-kind-of-nanny or something. the yaya.

I thought I would be the house bum. which again didnt happen. HAHA.

I wish school's back again. Let's go back to Baguio.

I think life is much bettah theah. LOL

SIGH.SIGH SIGH.

Back to Baguio \m/

its 10:22 pm and I just got home. I arrived from Cavite just at around 6am this morning, and I slept the whole day. I woke up at 4pm and prepared to go to Victory to attend the 6pm service. Late ako. oo. haha. After the service, I went with ate Charity and her friends to have dinner. We ate at the new Steaks and Toppings at Session Road. Si kuya Dennis at si Kuya Darryl lang ang kilala ko dun. haha. its okay. It was fun. Ate's friends are cool. (wala lang.) She's leaving for Manila tonight, to process her papers. thats why right now, I'm a house BUM. walang kasama, walang magawa (pwera sa manood ng movies buong magdamag), and I miss my lifebox and SET-UP friends na din. :( theyre not in baguio kaya di ako maka sleepover. ang lungkot talaga.

I need someone to stay here with me. Lonely ako. oo. ang drama no, but true. :(

ANYONE? STAY WITH ME. please. :(

another movie to watch: Nightmare on Elm Street.

malungkot na talaga. :(

Change of Plans

hi. its October 14, 2011 and Im bloggin--8:00 in the morning. thats right. and just so you know, im in cavite now, ill be staying here till tomorrow until my parents and siblings will leave for Roxas city. i arrived at 2:00 this morning, and as soon as i got home, i worked on my BLL102 final paper. it was about 7:45 when i finished writing it. now it has been sent to ma'am florendo via email already. yay!!

SEM BREAK NA!!!!

happy vacation guys! :D

No family this time.

yeah that's right, its just another monday morning.

its 1:46 pm and i just woke up. i havent eaten anything today yet, of course, my mom hasnt sent me my allowance yet. That's probably how poor we are. HAHA. well talk about poor-- my family are going to Roxas city this weekend for a National Student Convention. that's right, they booked plane tickets for themselves--everyone in the family except me.

you must know that the 1st semester of this school year has just ended, and the semestral break has just begun.

My org-mates, churchmates and friends here in Baguio are all going down to their provinces to have their vacation, spending time with their families, having a good time and all.

Well, that's them. I MIGHT be staying here in Baguio. or, I MIGHT go down to Cavite this wednesday and go back up to Baguio on Saturday, the day of my family's flight. if i stay in Cavite, ill die. no friends, no internet, cable, telephones, malls, money, night life, --anything.

Anyways, staying here in Baguio alone while your family's having a good time-slash-vacation at Roxas City is very, lets use the word, lovely.

Im being sarcastic here.

I havent been treated like this my whole, entire life.

Its okay. maybe God has a plan for this. besides, i'm 18. i can do whatever I want. HAHA.

i have a paper to finish. this is for BLL 102.

yup, and we're on a sem break.

cool huh?

deadline's on friday. Gotta start writing!

gbye! :D

UPb--1st semester 2011 subjects

1. Philosophy 27

2. BLL101

3. BLL 102

4. Philosophy 11

5. Komunikasyon Uno